my qualms

its been long since I last written an entry
and getting in tune with my mind, I do have certain concerns to raise in here
So far, my blog account has been discreet
lets just keep it that way

firstly, its about HISTORY
comes the famous saying
a person who forgets history, is condemned to repeat it

well firstly I have two issues to raise here
First, being,, what if the history was good.. whats so bad about repeating it then?
Second, considering I just sat for my history AS examination

is.. a student who stupidly forgets her historical facts,, cant possibly be able to repeat it and have a good essay with as Mr Brookes always say it good factual material

To further explain what I mean, well the first concern is pretty direct, so no point elucidating much light on that

The second one though,, is absolutely concerned about my history examination
Being a person who 'thrives' on last minute work,,
I only felt the gravity of having to MEMORISE facts two days before
the actual exam
It all started when Syazwan told me he was only focusing on three topics
and at this very point of time
Considering that I had only completed ONE topic of NATIONALISM,not mentioning how what Ive read was not exactly built in my head
and want to pursue the other 4,
within 2 days

i told myself
HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET AAK

so then I started focusing on three
and at this point on, my fears reached its peak
my confidence plunged dramatically

I decided to write about totalitarianism,, even if my class had only covered 1/3 of mussolini
on tuesday night, I slept at 2
and woke up at 4.30am
i was really in a horrendous state
at 4.30 am, i started reading my second and third topic
I WAS AT THE POINT OF GIVING UP, this is not trials aak

at 1.55pm, we, junior amature historians, perhaps not in Tings case or perhaps its just me, were seated at our designated seats,
and I was praying to god that I will be able to to write 4 essays, hoping that the facts that I read were relevant, and can be taken out from a web of facts i 'consumed'

the source based answer, I panicked.
the last time I practised was 5 days ago.. and I was afraid that I might not be able to grasp the method of answering..
i spent 15 minutes just reading the sources hoping to derive a good conclusion
and it just didnt come
but I forced myself, WRITE AAK.. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
frowning as never before, cringing at every second
I just wrote whatever I had in mind, doubting my every word
but as I wrote on, my thoughts began collecting themselves,, I began to find more sense from my words
I exceeded my 45 minutes limit,, come on aak,, time!
so I finished it,, my conclusion was a quarter of a page,, damn, mr brookes always ask us to write half a page of conclusion if we want it to be good

but i forged on,
essay time aak (my thoughts were inundated with fears of what might the essay questions be)
mussolini and hitler..
will do this as my first..
for 5 seconds, my brain froze, my mind came to a halt.. this was really what happened
aak! come one,, you need points..
okay,, so i outlined the points..
facts aak, facts!
unfortunately, nothing came out,.. no output.. I WAS DOOMEd
to top all these, my bladder went into a state of frenzy,, LOO!!
I really couldnt work my mind, it was AGONISING, ABYSMAL, OUT OF MIND
I said my prayers,,
come on aak,, remember,,
i just couldnt,, just go to the toilet aak

I had to wait because Adina went to the toilet already, she ran all the way
explaining her rapid visit
i have to run too
when I went to the toilet, i was near to tears
come on aak, dont give up,, remember! if you really cant, just do it roughly
believe in yourself aak, your prayers, this is your only chance

so when I sat back in my seat,, my hand and my mind worked at the same speed
this time, faster
I skipped my first essay leaving a few pages blank, and did my second one
LENIN AND STALIN
luckily i read about this, luckily i found this interesting to be able to remember all facts, luckily i didnt stop learning about this when mr brookes said with assertion that this topic wont repeat

so I did this,, and I hope it was okay
with this newfound confidence
I sailed through for my third one, RUSSIA
what a weird question
hopefully, it was okay this thought was offset when everyone expressed disbelief on this very question and made me realise that I answered it in quite a different scope

after finishing my second and third, i had ten minutes to finish my unfinished first
come on aak
suddenly, some facts came back
i managed to finish it
but obviously my concerns for this essay are still UNFINISHED

put down your pens! Stop writing! shouted Mr B as it was already 5
hrmm
hrmmm
i said my last prayers

hopefully, just hopefully i wont have to resit
I just kept quiet after uttering some words of disbelief to my friends

the whole day, I was drained i need sleep
back in my room, the bed was my first target
asar was at 7
my window was opened, hopefully Wani Kamil didnt bear witness to this

there goes my first qualm,, which stays until now
just keep on praying, and hope for the best
cant really do anything else at this stage

On to my second qualm,,
I mentioned about insecurity in my previous post
and I despise myself for having to be severely inflicted by this very devil
sometimes, you have a friend
who obviously has other friends that obviously are much or equally important as you
but you keep on being friends, because yeah his your friend

but then came a point
where I realise that
I have been putting all sorts of efforts
whereas my friend, lets call this friend jacob
jacob, despite sometimes he can be really really nice,
seems quite ignorant and in apathy towards this doubtful friendship
I dont have the drive to write why
but im quite in the grey about this
Ive just settled to
why bother mustering efforts to be friends when he just couldnt be bothered
and me, im just tired

my qualms are mere paranoia, illogical
i do consider this, but now,, just not now

one conclusion derived from this,,
i need to inject myself with my old spirits
and a sense on gratitude
that

1. im not starving, malnourished, dying in dilapidated parts of the world(25000 souls die a day from starvation)
2. my country is not in upheavals with civil wars and insurgents lurking around(insurgents and rebels albeit claiming that they fight for the rights of the masses, actually cause more pain on them. A pregnant African woman was mutilated by insurgents hoping to DIG OUT the baby in her)
3. im not faced with family difficulties(my sister is demanding but I cant ask for any better ones, my younger sister is hard and cold but can be just the sweetest, Imran is big, chubby and annoying but his just the cutest and glues the family together, ayah with his OCD in golf and fishes and cigarettes and ease to succumb to anger at points, is the most supportive dad ever, mummy despite her busyness and strict attitude esp in shopping, can be the coolest and most caring, kakak ririn my maid, should be the role model for all maids; tok mummy, old and aging, is nice and loving and gives me money, occasionally hehe)
4. I have great friends who do not use me ( haley,naju', my chaletmates, mim, attiyaa, sha, nazu, ainaa, bandung, yana, juek,, ili, tan sri, and lots more)
5. Despite me seeing Khazanah as a substantial burden, perhaps its a gift in disguise

So yerp, more focus on aspects of life that make me happy is needed

So what about qualms,, have my prayers secured, and smile

I.N.S.E.C.U.R.I.T.Y

insecurity

the voice of the devil

one day you wake up from a horrible unplanned sleep

books sprawled at your left and your right

you sit up and muster every ounce of your body to grab the towel

and head for the toilet

in pathetic fear of being splashed with drops of ice

and as you set foot on the cold floor

you stepped on papers

from a file that got knocked down from your bed

while you were asleep

you picked them up

and saw that the clock struck midnight

leaving poor cinderella chasing for time

leaving poor you devastated

that you have to

pick up the papers

take a shower

qada' subuh much to your ultimate agony and hatred on yourself

get dressed

within 10 minutes

because dr banos class starts 5 minutes after

but its okay

you managed

you reached class in a jiffy, not realising that dr bano was actually one step away from you

you sorted out your papers

within that one step diference fr dr bano

and she entered class

pheww.. and you saw your friends,,

you smile and laugh

even if your top was a total mismatch

your hair a mess

your miseries disappeared

the next day

you woke up early

this time elated

that for one

homework was served

for two

you have planned what would you be wearing

for three

you get to go for breakfast

then you reached class

you see your friends

and worked that normal smile and laugh

but this time you realise

you dont mean it

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON ENTERTAINING THEM

would they do the same if they had a bad horrid day

this is where the devil utters his repulsive words of

INSECURITY

post mailer demon

post mailer demon?
thats what i can recall of an email sending error

laugh out silently

this post is actually one to reverse the sentiments expressed through the very expression
'arghh' which was on the previous blog

being a horrible rookie,
i dint know where to trace drafts

so as i was clicking the on screen buttons
it led me to drafts

and i found it
so Ya!YA!

merry dreams

arghh

for half an hour or more,
i was happily forming words to have my blog read as
then all disappeared
i freaking sacrificed my studying hours
YIKES
ill continue later
hopefully ill be more than able to focus
and digest all so to penetrate through the very veins and nerves in my brain
to be securely packed in the memory compartment of my brain
words of an unscientific person

so toodless

but ill end this with an

ARGHHHH

whats in me now

12.12am, tomorrows a friday

well technically todays friday already

history notes sprawled on my bed, my desk

ill attend to them, but perhaps after this one entry

hopefully



Ive realised that Ive digressed from the track I want to stay on

usually, Ill have subjects that Im interested about, and having known

information about it or them

are tools to not make me feel 'uninformed' or blatantly putting it 'bimbotic'



unfortunately I have not been 'indulging' myself in this very liking

Ive retraced steps to reading the newspaper

hopefully itll stay on

One thing that appeals to me,,

BArack obama vs john mccain



i dont have deep ideas on their policies but i know for sure,,

obama speaks better than mccain

(mccain didnt even dare look obama in the eyes during their debate, cmon cain, that was a LIVE telecast)

even pak lah knows better



i think i should dig deeper so to not make my preferences and opinions superficial

obama supports fighting terrorism in afghanistan better

cain thinks the iraq troop deployment is successful

im against both



who are they to deploy troops into other countries

do they really think they are fighting for the best of the world

do they think that just because once before they were looked up to for championing peace now sovereignty of all countries lie in their hands

should this be true, try changing your stands in UN first

the so called body of veto rights as a matter of fact



turning the page to the political condition in malaysia,,

i cant stop thinking how immature it really is

forcing pak lah to step down, muhyiddin yassin publicly criticising him

and making statements in the newspaper

"i have been told to remain calm which I am. I will meet Pak Lah to really explain about the genuine reasons to my claims"(after he's nominated as deputy in umno)

what genuine explanation are there, but you must step down dollah

hrmm I mean, it feels like they are leaders in primary school

whereby they really have to make these pompous statements thinking that they can change the minds of primary students, realistically Malaysian society

do they really think lowly of us?

enough of that,

with in depth research, ill be able to write with more eloquence

now i just feel like my opinions are mere accusations by an uninformed Malaysian who makes opinions for pretentious reasons?

I MEAN RESEARCHlah BEFORE SOUNDING YOUR OPINIONS ryt?

now perhaps my history notes are shouting

READ ME! READ ME!

adding some personal expression,

today i didnt do any sports

my arms are weak,, YIKES

and sometimes I feel as if I have been digressing and unfocussing

THERE ARE JUST ACTUALLY A LOT TO DO, YET IM NOT USING MY TIME WELL

funny that before in TKC, I still saw 5 minutes worthy to be spent for studying

this weekend, god willing ill be going back

dont want to appear all excited about this

but deep inside i know i am

escapism from lembah beringin, keeps my sanity wheels rolling

ecstatic to meet old pals

but no public excitement, it kills eventually

just now I was in charge of DotCO, the very existence of this "kedai" leaves me questioning since day one in KYUEM let alone the reason to the name

a few days ago i had my oxford interview

it was plain daunting

haunting

atrocious

IM AFRAID

but how much better i feel if i keep blaming myself

indulging unnecessarily in self pity

it wont change anything

prayers will , insyaallah

at least you dont give up on god aite

this morning, some of my friends had cambridge interview

glad that they fared well

happy that a friend of mine saw my call as a contribution

perhaps i shall stop now,,

and continue later

hopefully

in search of things that i hope

will shoot answers to the question

whats in me now