my bare necessities

here i am, wasting time perhaps..
tonight i realise
that im just a vulnerable miserable girl
and i have to stop denying myself those feelings
ive kept a lot
and i just dont know how long that can last
it just happens with one of those few instances
whereby now i realise that im sick of calling myself pahtetic if i do choose to cry because of a certain thing that happened tome
i can be sad and not have to say that im so weak becuase there are other people out there who have a lot of other problems
i can make allowance for some discontent without telling myself that im so stupid and im a slacker and im a no brainer
yes i can feel sorry for myself and tell myself that its alright to have this blog
firstly nobody will read it and secondly
im human
i just went through a slap of reality
even reading back this blog i feel like why am i so stupid
why does my writing seems like a bore
but i look up to other peoples
how bad they are, i choose to respect it out of confidence
so why cant i do that to myself
why cant i appreciate myself more
i have no ambitions now
i feel like what i really want is completely out of reach
my dream of going to the US is reaching something out of thin air
actuarial science, i dont know if thats what i want
i give up on god
because all my prayers
consistentcy in my progress
i always regress
i never achieve
then who else should i turn to
my prides too high and low to tell to my parents
my friends, i gave up telling them, partly because i feel like im too problematic, and i just choose not to,, its something that i have to settle on my own
a confidant,, guess ive lost mine,, and sometimes, i feel like why do i have to be so weak to have to need one but then how tough do i think ill get
im a complicated wreck, and no wreck can get more wrecked than a complcated one
i lost him, i cried once, and until there i stopped.. succession of this occasion were pleas to myself to forget and get on with life..
so he wanted back in, but did i want to?
both of us,, two different worlds though we seem so similar at times... sometimes i think how long should i go through it.. but why cant i jjust go through it
one of the considerations..
i was mad,, how could he have let me go.. i question sincerity
where you should never let one go, but how valid is idealism in these terms
when will you need to bend it so to seek happiness and when should you not budge
so i declined, but i was not resolute,, i was happy when he asked me to an event which called old memories..
but telling it to my friends, i thought twice. i wanted to pride myself to forget him
i declined again..
he didnt show much determination when he left me questioning from his questions
how long should i tell myself that im happy
how true is this statement

in a way, it will make me feel better to have someone..
but i have my friends,, those that i can count on
one leaving me utterly devastated, but he kicked me to realism
i should have more in me than i think
i should not count on who i have to appreciate myself
sense some worth in myself

so what
maybe now miss aainaa
you should level to your grassrootss.
your faith
he will never let you down
sstop thinking that youre failing him
firstly you will never know
secondly, thinking so is failing him
keep determination
keep progressing
study hard for your parents, for your race, your religion,
you can be successful, yes you can
anyone can
insyaallah .. god willing

A FREE SATURDAY in college

so i sat for economics at 830.. while answering, i couldnt stop myself from realising that i just hate answering past year papers,, because they are nothing close to what we sat for just now,, perhaps there were a few that were okay but still..
yorke mentioned that it was econometrics rather than economics haha

then I had to meet with Puan Rog,, discussed about the berbuke! itll be in tupai2 insyaallah hehe
and while waiting for her,, i managed to have my curiousity answered..
(things in here are subjected to scrutiny im afraid, so ill try to be as discreet as possible)
well, it was quite overwhelming i think..
the feeling was,, uncertainty chehh youre afraid to have a certained decision for it
but then again,, to be a normal person who wont want to spend dwelling in this not to say trivial but quite minute matter, ( or maybe i should just say to be a person like me )
perhaps i should just take it like it is a casual normal 'occurrence' because at a much thorough glance, its really not a big deal..
so okay ill skip that matter,,
so i watched movies the whole day.. reign over me, pathology, slept a bit, american crime, and episode 2 of gossip girl
it was worth it i guess.. except for pathology is just a sicko movie.. and american crime just makes me feel like screaming my lungs out and really question the atrocities and cruelty a real human being would be willing to commit..

so now Im reading columns about the government.. and all i can say is grow up
how gullible do they think we are
perhaps i should stop here.. bit boring where im getting at.. so thats my FREE SatuRDAY spent in lembah beringin..

a grave hole in myself(please think sanely)

firstly, i would like to point out that what my title means have nothing to do with vulgarity or whatever associated with it..
so erm I just went to this mooncake festival which comparatively was at a weaker side so to put it nicely,., but it was a good effort, i think( the normal cover ups people in this world do so to ensure you dont get hurt, but this very act can be questioned its sincerity coz its too much a convention )
well i was expecting to get some intoxication from attending this very festival considering that tomorrow im having economics at 830 in the morning,, hrmm
and im not sure whether i can do it well even,,
it was fun this MOONCAKE FESTIVAL,, ate free mooncake that we didnt know what was the very flavour,, saw a mini hot air balloon that shot up (suree) into the air but eventually fell back to earth,, luckily it didnt end up at places me and shahir would have had a great laugh at should it be that way..
tried to make a pass at some transvite,, stole a lantern but later got to know that they were giving out free lanterns,, so we had the normal rounds..
firstly it was me, shahir, oggy and eizreen and later on we joined the rest.. it was fun but i wont deny that last years was funner,, took pictures with my slr camera which i dont know how to use,, thank god there was shahir and oggy,, ( i would place some doubt on praising shahir though,, he kept on bogging about 'lighting effect' but thanks 8) )
then suddenly when i was taking pictures with azri(syamims twin separated from birth) and fared, i sensed something hot and burning.. it was the LANTERN..
so me and oggy did our tribal dance around this very calamity,, hoping that perhaps our tribal gods can pur down some rain.. too bad they didnt,, but thank god we were taught of inventing shoes and slippers,,
so now im back in my chalet,, econs books spread all over my bed, yet i just cant seem to get why i still cant focus,, whats this very thing thats bothering my thoughts!!
maybe its just me,, wanting to stay in a comfort zone of hating life,, and find every reasons of hating life,,
but after i described all that had happened just now, i feel like hey i did have fun,, maybe the decision to stay happy lies in me,, and its just about taking the gauntlet, what a way to describe it LOL gauntlet of ,, i lost it.. haishh
whatever it is,, i really gotta live to my advices to other people,, that life is a bright bright light that never fails to light me up,,
so yay ,, il start telling myself to grow up and be happy,,
but then again,, i know theres this GRAVE HOLE that really bothers me and i know what is it..
its a matter of me addressing it as trivial because it is nothing close to my list of priorities that will ensure success in my future..
or me addressing it as an anomaly out of all my problems and i should cater to it,, because in a way,, it does ensure that at least i wont live my life all sad and lonely..
whether or not i should disclose it in here,, is something i think more than twice about,, but maybe with time,,, ill discover whats really happening.. my decision, my reaction.. ill put a hold to thinking about it.. and find a LID to cover this HOLE.. so till then~ econs await

how much longer do i have to live

ermm,, this is my first entry for this blog,, once before I tried doing one,, but happens so I didnt have the consistency in writing blogs,,
or perhaps it was because i am too much a perfectionist,, reading profusely what i have 'disclosed' so to say and perturb my mind with this apprehension towards what people might say to what I have said(Im complicated)
or maybe its because at points blogs send this implication to myself that they are for ostentatious reasons.. so i quite painfully hinder myself from having one but this pessimism of mine comes occasionally,, at times where all I could do is hate things
But then again,, for all my life,, I have had a collection of diaries that I enjoy writing my feelings in and reading them afterwards :)
so ermm perhaps in this period where blogs speak more than newspapers or any other forms of media,, perhaps it might grow on me,, but I wont forget my diaries (theyve been an importance to me that i personify them as if they have a soul)
so yeah,, what should my first entry read? I have 5 minutes for this because by the time this 5 minutes end,, I have to go chase after Puan Rog.. discuss some issues
So,, tomorow Im having my exams.. tonight I plan to attend a mooncake festival.. this evening I have my lifesaving duty and may plan on having a dip in the pool, so seems like i have planned quite a handful of things but yet,, I am not studying
THis is where my problem lies.. I just cant seem to study.. and I dont get why
Whenever I try reading a single word of economics.... (since thats the paper I will sit for tomorrow) my brain just shuts off.. my thoughts get 'indulged' in other things that I just cant seem to digest its logic..
In simple words.. I cant study and im not focused.. I spend an excruciating half an hour just answering one question

Before this I have had wednesday and thursday off, and that was 'hardcore' liberation
(I should be going now, will continue shortly)
okay, so im back,, pheww time really runs fast without you realising
continuing what i was at,, ermm so what exactly is the problem with me,, that deprives me of this thing called focus that i had so easy back in TKC,, at a nearer span, the first and a bit of the second semester in KYUEM,
ermm i have absolutely no idea,, perhaps im just not motivated.. I ve always longed to study in the US and now im not even applying for any of the universities there.. but its my fault ,, serves me right that i never took SATs seriously..
frankly ive lost my momentum of 'expressing',, ill continue later.. coz if not i wont be satisfied with my rantings.. theyre more of a fake description forked out of my mind just for reasons of having something to say,, not of whats really been bothering my mind,, what I really want to express so badly so to elevate this huge burden that is really causing me to think
HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE