how much longer do i have to live

ermm,, this is my first entry for this blog,, once before I tried doing one,, but happens so I didnt have the consistency in writing blogs,,
or perhaps it was because i am too much a perfectionist,, reading profusely what i have 'disclosed' so to say and perturb my mind with this apprehension towards what people might say to what I have said(Im complicated)
or maybe its because at points blogs send this implication to myself that they are for ostentatious reasons.. so i quite painfully hinder myself from having one but this pessimism of mine comes occasionally,, at times where all I could do is hate things
But then again,, for all my life,, I have had a collection of diaries that I enjoy writing my feelings in and reading them afterwards :)
so ermm perhaps in this period where blogs speak more than newspapers or any other forms of media,, perhaps it might grow on me,, but I wont forget my diaries (theyve been an importance to me that i personify them as if they have a soul)
so yeah,, what should my first entry read? I have 5 minutes for this because by the time this 5 minutes end,, I have to go chase after Puan Rog.. discuss some issues
So,, tomorow Im having my exams.. tonight I plan to attend a mooncake festival.. this evening I have my lifesaving duty and may plan on having a dip in the pool, so seems like i have planned quite a handful of things but yet,, I am not studying
THis is where my problem lies.. I just cant seem to study.. and I dont get why
Whenever I try reading a single word of economics.... (since thats the paper I will sit for tomorrow) my brain just shuts off.. my thoughts get 'indulged' in other things that I just cant seem to digest its logic..
In simple words.. I cant study and im not focused.. I spend an excruciating half an hour just answering one question

Before this I have had wednesday and thursday off, and that was 'hardcore' liberation
(I should be going now, will continue shortly)
okay, so im back,, pheww time really runs fast without you realising
continuing what i was at,, ermm so what exactly is the problem with me,, that deprives me of this thing called focus that i had so easy back in TKC,, at a nearer span, the first and a bit of the second semester in KYUEM,
ermm i have absolutely no idea,, perhaps im just not motivated.. I ve always longed to study in the US and now im not even applying for any of the universities there.. but its my fault ,, serves me right that i never took SATs seriously..
frankly ive lost my momentum of 'expressing',, ill continue later.. coz if not i wont be satisfied with my rantings.. theyre more of a fake description forked out of my mind just for reasons of having something to say,, not of whats really been bothering my mind,, what I really want to express so badly so to elevate this huge burden that is really causing me to think
HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE