my bare necessities

here i am, wasting time perhaps..
tonight i realise
that im just a vulnerable miserable girl
and i have to stop denying myself those feelings
ive kept a lot
and i just dont know how long that can last
it just happens with one of those few instances
whereby now i realise that im sick of calling myself pahtetic if i do choose to cry because of a certain thing that happened tome
i can be sad and not have to say that im so weak becuase there are other people out there who have a lot of other problems
i can make allowance for some discontent without telling myself that im so stupid and im a slacker and im a no brainer
yes i can feel sorry for myself and tell myself that its alright to have this blog
firstly nobody will read it and secondly
im human
i just went through a slap of reality
even reading back this blog i feel like why am i so stupid
why does my writing seems like a bore
but i look up to other peoples
how bad they are, i choose to respect it out of confidence
so why cant i do that to myself
why cant i appreciate myself more
i have no ambitions now
i feel like what i really want is completely out of reach
my dream of going to the US is reaching something out of thin air
actuarial science, i dont know if thats what i want
i give up on god
because all my prayers
consistentcy in my progress
i always regress
i never achieve
then who else should i turn to
my prides too high and low to tell to my parents
my friends, i gave up telling them, partly because i feel like im too problematic, and i just choose not to,, its something that i have to settle on my own
a confidant,, guess ive lost mine,, and sometimes, i feel like why do i have to be so weak to have to need one but then how tough do i think ill get
im a complicated wreck, and no wreck can get more wrecked than a complcated one
i lost him, i cried once, and until there i stopped.. succession of this occasion were pleas to myself to forget and get on with life..
so he wanted back in, but did i want to?
both of us,, two different worlds though we seem so similar at times... sometimes i think how long should i go through it.. but why cant i jjust go through it
one of the considerations..
i was mad,, how could he have let me go.. i question sincerity
where you should never let one go, but how valid is idealism in these terms
when will you need to bend it so to seek happiness and when should you not budge
so i declined, but i was not resolute,, i was happy when he asked me to an event which called old memories..
but telling it to my friends, i thought twice. i wanted to pride myself to forget him
i declined again..
he didnt show much determination when he left me questioning from his questions
how long should i tell myself that im happy
how true is this statement

in a way, it will make me feel better to have someone..
but i have my friends,, those that i can count on
one leaving me utterly devastated, but he kicked me to realism
i should have more in me than i think
i should not count on who i have to appreciate myself
sense some worth in myself

so what
maybe now miss aainaa
you should level to your grassrootss.
your faith
he will never let you down
sstop thinking that youre failing him
firstly you will never know
secondly, thinking so is failing him
keep determination
keep progressing
study hard for your parents, for your race, your religion,
you can be successful, yes you can
anyone can
insyaallah .. god willing