my qualms

its been long since I last written an entry
and getting in tune with my mind, I do have certain concerns to raise in here
So far, my blog account has been discreet
lets just keep it that way

firstly, its about HISTORY
comes the famous saying
a person who forgets history, is condemned to repeat it

well firstly I have two issues to raise here
First, being,, what if the history was good.. whats so bad about repeating it then?
Second, considering I just sat for my history AS examination

is.. a student who stupidly forgets her historical facts,, cant possibly be able to repeat it and have a good essay with as Mr Brookes always say it good factual material

To further explain what I mean, well the first concern is pretty direct, so no point elucidating much light on that

The second one though,, is absolutely concerned about my history examination
Being a person who 'thrives' on last minute work,,
I only felt the gravity of having to MEMORISE facts two days before
the actual exam
It all started when Syazwan told me he was only focusing on three topics
and at this very point of time
Considering that I had only completed ONE topic of NATIONALISM,not mentioning how what Ive read was not exactly built in my head
and want to pursue the other 4,
within 2 days

i told myself
HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET AAK

so then I started focusing on three
and at this point on, my fears reached its peak
my confidence plunged dramatically

I decided to write about totalitarianism,, even if my class had only covered 1/3 of mussolini
on tuesday night, I slept at 2
and woke up at 4.30am
i was really in a horrendous state
at 4.30 am, i started reading my second and third topic
I WAS AT THE POINT OF GIVING UP, this is not trials aak

at 1.55pm, we, junior amature historians, perhaps not in Tings case or perhaps its just me, were seated at our designated seats,
and I was praying to god that I will be able to to write 4 essays, hoping that the facts that I read were relevant, and can be taken out from a web of facts i 'consumed'

the source based answer, I panicked.
the last time I practised was 5 days ago.. and I was afraid that I might not be able to grasp the method of answering..
i spent 15 minutes just reading the sources hoping to derive a good conclusion
and it just didnt come
but I forced myself, WRITE AAK.. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
frowning as never before, cringing at every second
I just wrote whatever I had in mind, doubting my every word
but as I wrote on, my thoughts began collecting themselves,, I began to find more sense from my words
I exceeded my 45 minutes limit,, come on aak,, time!
so I finished it,, my conclusion was a quarter of a page,, damn, mr brookes always ask us to write half a page of conclusion if we want it to be good

but i forged on,
essay time aak (my thoughts were inundated with fears of what might the essay questions be)
mussolini and hitler..
will do this as my first..
for 5 seconds, my brain froze, my mind came to a halt.. this was really what happened
aak! come one,, you need points..
okay,, so i outlined the points..
facts aak, facts!
unfortunately, nothing came out,.. no output.. I WAS DOOMEd
to top all these, my bladder went into a state of frenzy,, LOO!!
I really couldnt work my mind, it was AGONISING, ABYSMAL, OUT OF MIND
I said my prayers,,
come on aak,, remember,,
i just couldnt,, just go to the toilet aak

I had to wait because Adina went to the toilet already, she ran all the way
explaining her rapid visit
i have to run too
when I went to the toilet, i was near to tears
come on aak, dont give up,, remember! if you really cant, just do it roughly
believe in yourself aak, your prayers, this is your only chance

so when I sat back in my seat,, my hand and my mind worked at the same speed
this time, faster
I skipped my first essay leaving a few pages blank, and did my second one
LENIN AND STALIN
luckily i read about this, luckily i found this interesting to be able to remember all facts, luckily i didnt stop learning about this when mr brookes said with assertion that this topic wont repeat

so I did this,, and I hope it was okay
with this newfound confidence
I sailed through for my third one, RUSSIA
what a weird question
hopefully, it was okay this thought was offset when everyone expressed disbelief on this very question and made me realise that I answered it in quite a different scope

after finishing my second and third, i had ten minutes to finish my unfinished first
come on aak
suddenly, some facts came back
i managed to finish it
but obviously my concerns for this essay are still UNFINISHED

put down your pens! Stop writing! shouted Mr B as it was already 5
hrmm
hrmmm
i said my last prayers

hopefully, just hopefully i wont have to resit
I just kept quiet after uttering some words of disbelief to my friends

the whole day, I was drained i need sleep
back in my room, the bed was my first target
asar was at 7
my window was opened, hopefully Wani Kamil didnt bear witness to this

there goes my first qualm,, which stays until now
just keep on praying, and hope for the best
cant really do anything else at this stage

On to my second qualm,,
I mentioned about insecurity in my previous post
and I despise myself for having to be severely inflicted by this very devil
sometimes, you have a friend
who obviously has other friends that obviously are much or equally important as you
but you keep on being friends, because yeah his your friend

but then came a point
where I realise that
I have been putting all sorts of efforts
whereas my friend, lets call this friend jacob
jacob, despite sometimes he can be really really nice,
seems quite ignorant and in apathy towards this doubtful friendship
I dont have the drive to write why
but im quite in the grey about this
Ive just settled to
why bother mustering efforts to be friends when he just couldnt be bothered
and me, im just tired

my qualms are mere paranoia, illogical
i do consider this, but now,, just not now

one conclusion derived from this,,
i need to inject myself with my old spirits
and a sense on gratitude
that

1. im not starving, malnourished, dying in dilapidated parts of the world(25000 souls die a day from starvation)
2. my country is not in upheavals with civil wars and insurgents lurking around(insurgents and rebels albeit claiming that they fight for the rights of the masses, actually cause more pain on them. A pregnant African woman was mutilated by insurgents hoping to DIG OUT the baby in her)
3. im not faced with family difficulties(my sister is demanding but I cant ask for any better ones, my younger sister is hard and cold but can be just the sweetest, Imran is big, chubby and annoying but his just the cutest and glues the family together, ayah with his OCD in golf and fishes and cigarettes and ease to succumb to anger at points, is the most supportive dad ever, mummy despite her busyness and strict attitude esp in shopping, can be the coolest and most caring, kakak ririn my maid, should be the role model for all maids; tok mummy, old and aging, is nice and loving and gives me money, occasionally hehe)
4. I have great friends who do not use me ( haley,naju', my chaletmates, mim, attiyaa, sha, nazu, ainaa, bandung, yana, juek,, ili, tan sri, and lots more)
5. Despite me seeing Khazanah as a substantial burden, perhaps its a gift in disguise

So yerp, more focus on aspects of life that make me happy is needed

So what about qualms,, have my prayers secured, and smile

I.N.S.E.C.U.R.I.T.Y

insecurity

the voice of the devil

one day you wake up from a horrible unplanned sleep

books sprawled at your left and your right

you sit up and muster every ounce of your body to grab the towel

and head for the toilet

in pathetic fear of being splashed with drops of ice

and as you set foot on the cold floor

you stepped on papers

from a file that got knocked down from your bed

while you were asleep

you picked them up

and saw that the clock struck midnight

leaving poor cinderella chasing for time

leaving poor you devastated

that you have to

pick up the papers

take a shower

qada' subuh much to your ultimate agony and hatred on yourself

get dressed

within 10 minutes

because dr banos class starts 5 minutes after

but its okay

you managed

you reached class in a jiffy, not realising that dr bano was actually one step away from you

you sorted out your papers

within that one step diference fr dr bano

and she entered class

pheww.. and you saw your friends,,

you smile and laugh

even if your top was a total mismatch

your hair a mess

your miseries disappeared

the next day

you woke up early

this time elated

that for one

homework was served

for two

you have planned what would you be wearing

for three

you get to go for breakfast

then you reached class

you see your friends

and worked that normal smile and laugh

but this time you realise

you dont mean it

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON ENTERTAINING THEM

would they do the same if they had a bad horrid day

this is where the devil utters his repulsive words of

INSECURITY

post mailer demon

post mailer demon?
thats what i can recall of an email sending error

laugh out silently

this post is actually one to reverse the sentiments expressed through the very expression
'arghh' which was on the previous blog

being a horrible rookie,
i dint know where to trace drafts

so as i was clicking the on screen buttons
it led me to drafts

and i found it
so Ya!YA!

merry dreams

arghh

for half an hour or more,
i was happily forming words to have my blog read as
then all disappeared
i freaking sacrificed my studying hours
YIKES
ill continue later
hopefully ill be more than able to focus
and digest all so to penetrate through the very veins and nerves in my brain
to be securely packed in the memory compartment of my brain
words of an unscientific person

so toodless

but ill end this with an

ARGHHHH

whats in me now

12.12am, tomorrows a friday

well technically todays friday already

history notes sprawled on my bed, my desk

ill attend to them, but perhaps after this one entry

hopefully



Ive realised that Ive digressed from the track I want to stay on

usually, Ill have subjects that Im interested about, and having known

information about it or them

are tools to not make me feel 'uninformed' or blatantly putting it 'bimbotic'



unfortunately I have not been 'indulging' myself in this very liking

Ive retraced steps to reading the newspaper

hopefully itll stay on

One thing that appeals to me,,

BArack obama vs john mccain



i dont have deep ideas on their policies but i know for sure,,

obama speaks better than mccain

(mccain didnt even dare look obama in the eyes during their debate, cmon cain, that was a LIVE telecast)

even pak lah knows better



i think i should dig deeper so to not make my preferences and opinions superficial

obama supports fighting terrorism in afghanistan better

cain thinks the iraq troop deployment is successful

im against both



who are they to deploy troops into other countries

do they really think they are fighting for the best of the world

do they think that just because once before they were looked up to for championing peace now sovereignty of all countries lie in their hands

should this be true, try changing your stands in UN first

the so called body of veto rights as a matter of fact



turning the page to the political condition in malaysia,,

i cant stop thinking how immature it really is

forcing pak lah to step down, muhyiddin yassin publicly criticising him

and making statements in the newspaper

"i have been told to remain calm which I am. I will meet Pak Lah to really explain about the genuine reasons to my claims"(after he's nominated as deputy in umno)

what genuine explanation are there, but you must step down dollah

hrmm I mean, it feels like they are leaders in primary school

whereby they really have to make these pompous statements thinking that they can change the minds of primary students, realistically Malaysian society

do they really think lowly of us?

enough of that,

with in depth research, ill be able to write with more eloquence

now i just feel like my opinions are mere accusations by an uninformed Malaysian who makes opinions for pretentious reasons?

I MEAN RESEARCHlah BEFORE SOUNDING YOUR OPINIONS ryt?

now perhaps my history notes are shouting

READ ME! READ ME!

adding some personal expression,

today i didnt do any sports

my arms are weak,, YIKES

and sometimes I feel as if I have been digressing and unfocussing

THERE ARE JUST ACTUALLY A LOT TO DO, YET IM NOT USING MY TIME WELL

funny that before in TKC, I still saw 5 minutes worthy to be spent for studying

this weekend, god willing ill be going back

dont want to appear all excited about this

but deep inside i know i am

escapism from lembah beringin, keeps my sanity wheels rolling

ecstatic to meet old pals

but no public excitement, it kills eventually

just now I was in charge of DotCO, the very existence of this "kedai" leaves me questioning since day one in KYUEM let alone the reason to the name

a few days ago i had my oxford interview

it was plain daunting

haunting

atrocious

IM AFRAID

but how much better i feel if i keep blaming myself

indulging unnecessarily in self pity

it wont change anything

prayers will , insyaallah

at least you dont give up on god aite

this morning, some of my friends had cambridge interview

glad that they fared well

happy that a friend of mine saw my call as a contribution

perhaps i shall stop now,,

and continue later

hopefully

in search of things that i hope

will shoot answers to the question

whats in me now

my bare necessities

here i am, wasting time perhaps..
tonight i realise
that im just a vulnerable miserable girl
and i have to stop denying myself those feelings
ive kept a lot
and i just dont know how long that can last
it just happens with one of those few instances
whereby now i realise that im sick of calling myself pahtetic if i do choose to cry because of a certain thing that happened tome
i can be sad and not have to say that im so weak becuase there are other people out there who have a lot of other problems
i can make allowance for some discontent without telling myself that im so stupid and im a slacker and im a no brainer
yes i can feel sorry for myself and tell myself that its alright to have this blog
firstly nobody will read it and secondly
im human
i just went through a slap of reality
even reading back this blog i feel like why am i so stupid
why does my writing seems like a bore
but i look up to other peoples
how bad they are, i choose to respect it out of confidence
so why cant i do that to myself
why cant i appreciate myself more
i have no ambitions now
i feel like what i really want is completely out of reach
my dream of going to the US is reaching something out of thin air
actuarial science, i dont know if thats what i want
i give up on god
because all my prayers
consistentcy in my progress
i always regress
i never achieve
then who else should i turn to
my prides too high and low to tell to my parents
my friends, i gave up telling them, partly because i feel like im too problematic, and i just choose not to,, its something that i have to settle on my own
a confidant,, guess ive lost mine,, and sometimes, i feel like why do i have to be so weak to have to need one but then how tough do i think ill get
im a complicated wreck, and no wreck can get more wrecked than a complcated one
i lost him, i cried once, and until there i stopped.. succession of this occasion were pleas to myself to forget and get on with life..
so he wanted back in, but did i want to?
both of us,, two different worlds though we seem so similar at times... sometimes i think how long should i go through it.. but why cant i jjust go through it
one of the considerations..
i was mad,, how could he have let me go.. i question sincerity
where you should never let one go, but how valid is idealism in these terms
when will you need to bend it so to seek happiness and when should you not budge
so i declined, but i was not resolute,, i was happy when he asked me to an event which called old memories..
but telling it to my friends, i thought twice. i wanted to pride myself to forget him
i declined again..
he didnt show much determination when he left me questioning from his questions
how long should i tell myself that im happy
how true is this statement

in a way, it will make me feel better to have someone..
but i have my friends,, those that i can count on
one leaving me utterly devastated, but he kicked me to realism
i should have more in me than i think
i should not count on who i have to appreciate myself
sense some worth in myself

so what
maybe now miss aainaa
you should level to your grassrootss.
your faith
he will never let you down
sstop thinking that youre failing him
firstly you will never know
secondly, thinking so is failing him
keep determination
keep progressing
study hard for your parents, for your race, your religion,
you can be successful, yes you can
anyone can
insyaallah .. god willing

A FREE SATURDAY in college

so i sat for economics at 830.. while answering, i couldnt stop myself from realising that i just hate answering past year papers,, because they are nothing close to what we sat for just now,, perhaps there were a few that were okay but still..
yorke mentioned that it was econometrics rather than economics haha

then I had to meet with Puan Rog,, discussed about the berbuke! itll be in tupai2 insyaallah hehe
and while waiting for her,, i managed to have my curiousity answered..
(things in here are subjected to scrutiny im afraid, so ill try to be as discreet as possible)
well, it was quite overwhelming i think..
the feeling was,, uncertainty chehh youre afraid to have a certained decision for it
but then again,, to be a normal person who wont want to spend dwelling in this not to say trivial but quite minute matter, ( or maybe i should just say to be a person like me )
perhaps i should just take it like it is a casual normal 'occurrence' because at a much thorough glance, its really not a big deal..
so okay ill skip that matter,,
so i watched movies the whole day.. reign over me, pathology, slept a bit, american crime, and episode 2 of gossip girl
it was worth it i guess.. except for pathology is just a sicko movie.. and american crime just makes me feel like screaming my lungs out and really question the atrocities and cruelty a real human being would be willing to commit..

so now Im reading columns about the government.. and all i can say is grow up
how gullible do they think we are
perhaps i should stop here.. bit boring where im getting at.. so thats my FREE SatuRDAY spent in lembah beringin..

a grave hole in myself(please think sanely)

firstly, i would like to point out that what my title means have nothing to do with vulgarity or whatever associated with it..
so erm I just went to this mooncake festival which comparatively was at a weaker side so to put it nicely,., but it was a good effort, i think( the normal cover ups people in this world do so to ensure you dont get hurt, but this very act can be questioned its sincerity coz its too much a convention )
well i was expecting to get some intoxication from attending this very festival considering that tomorrow im having economics at 830 in the morning,, hrmm
and im not sure whether i can do it well even,,
it was fun this MOONCAKE FESTIVAL,, ate free mooncake that we didnt know what was the very flavour,, saw a mini hot air balloon that shot up (suree) into the air but eventually fell back to earth,, luckily it didnt end up at places me and shahir would have had a great laugh at should it be that way..
tried to make a pass at some transvite,, stole a lantern but later got to know that they were giving out free lanterns,, so we had the normal rounds..
firstly it was me, shahir, oggy and eizreen and later on we joined the rest.. it was fun but i wont deny that last years was funner,, took pictures with my slr camera which i dont know how to use,, thank god there was shahir and oggy,, ( i would place some doubt on praising shahir though,, he kept on bogging about 'lighting effect' but thanks 8) )
then suddenly when i was taking pictures with azri(syamims twin separated from birth) and fared, i sensed something hot and burning.. it was the LANTERN..
so me and oggy did our tribal dance around this very calamity,, hoping that perhaps our tribal gods can pur down some rain.. too bad they didnt,, but thank god we were taught of inventing shoes and slippers,,
so now im back in my chalet,, econs books spread all over my bed, yet i just cant seem to get why i still cant focus,, whats this very thing thats bothering my thoughts!!
maybe its just me,, wanting to stay in a comfort zone of hating life,, and find every reasons of hating life,,
but after i described all that had happened just now, i feel like hey i did have fun,, maybe the decision to stay happy lies in me,, and its just about taking the gauntlet, what a way to describe it LOL gauntlet of ,, i lost it.. haishh
whatever it is,, i really gotta live to my advices to other people,, that life is a bright bright light that never fails to light me up,,
so yay ,, il start telling myself to grow up and be happy,,
but then again,, i know theres this GRAVE HOLE that really bothers me and i know what is it..
its a matter of me addressing it as trivial because it is nothing close to my list of priorities that will ensure success in my future..
or me addressing it as an anomaly out of all my problems and i should cater to it,, because in a way,, it does ensure that at least i wont live my life all sad and lonely..
whether or not i should disclose it in here,, is something i think more than twice about,, but maybe with time,,, ill discover whats really happening.. my decision, my reaction.. ill put a hold to thinking about it.. and find a LID to cover this HOLE.. so till then~ econs await

how much longer do i have to live

ermm,, this is my first entry for this blog,, once before I tried doing one,, but happens so I didnt have the consistency in writing blogs,,
or perhaps it was because i am too much a perfectionist,, reading profusely what i have 'disclosed' so to say and perturb my mind with this apprehension towards what people might say to what I have said(Im complicated)
or maybe its because at points blogs send this implication to myself that they are for ostentatious reasons.. so i quite painfully hinder myself from having one but this pessimism of mine comes occasionally,, at times where all I could do is hate things
But then again,, for all my life,, I have had a collection of diaries that I enjoy writing my feelings in and reading them afterwards :)
so ermm perhaps in this period where blogs speak more than newspapers or any other forms of media,, perhaps it might grow on me,, but I wont forget my diaries (theyve been an importance to me that i personify them as if they have a soul)
so yeah,, what should my first entry read? I have 5 minutes for this because by the time this 5 minutes end,, I have to go chase after Puan Rog.. discuss some issues
So,, tomorow Im having my exams.. tonight I plan to attend a mooncake festival.. this evening I have my lifesaving duty and may plan on having a dip in the pool, so seems like i have planned quite a handful of things but yet,, I am not studying
THis is where my problem lies.. I just cant seem to study.. and I dont get why
Whenever I try reading a single word of economics.... (since thats the paper I will sit for tomorrow) my brain just shuts off.. my thoughts get 'indulged' in other things that I just cant seem to digest its logic..
In simple words.. I cant study and im not focused.. I spend an excruciating half an hour just answering one question

Before this I have had wednesday and thursday off, and that was 'hardcore' liberation
(I should be going now, will continue shortly)
okay, so im back,, pheww time really runs fast without you realising
continuing what i was at,, ermm so what exactly is the problem with me,, that deprives me of this thing called focus that i had so easy back in TKC,, at a nearer span, the first and a bit of the second semester in KYUEM,
ermm i have absolutely no idea,, perhaps im just not motivated.. I ve always longed to study in the US and now im not even applying for any of the universities there.. but its my fault ,, serves me right that i never took SATs seriously..
frankly ive lost my momentum of 'expressing',, ill continue later.. coz if not i wont be satisfied with my rantings.. theyre more of a fake description forked out of my mind just for reasons of having something to say,, not of whats really been bothering my mind,, what I really want to express so badly so to elevate this huge burden that is really causing me to think
HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE